By: Jamal Acosta
Submitted: 2010-08-13 11:49:25 | Word Count: 1197
The monthly meeting comes to order in the heart of California's Silicon Valley, a world center of leading-edge technology.
Attendees this evening include software developers and computer scientists. What's on tonight's agenda? The Next Big Thing in high-tech? Not exactly. Not unless you have adult ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder). In that case, keeping track of your keys might be a very big thing indeed.
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Phillip, 32, a talented software programmer with a beautiful smile and an engaging personality, begins: "Okay, I've been practicing some of the suggestions we talked about last time for keeping track of my keys, and I can't believe how well they're working."
No one snickers. No one rolls their eyes. Most people attending this support group for adults with ADHD chuckle and nod in agreement, relieved to hear someone speak openly about an embarrassing problem that they, too, have, or a problem similar to theirs.
Make no mistake: Silicon Valley might be a worldwide magnet for people with ADHD, what with their stereotypical love of the new and novel. But even here, ADHD is not limited to young men who tinker in high-tech.
The people gathered tonight— male and female, professionals and blue-collar workers, teens and retirees, long-time locals and new immigrants from many different nations—find themselves dogged by a few or many of these other difficulties:
* Losing track of priorities
* Arriving late to events and missing deadlines
* Having trouble initiating tasks and following through to completion
* Being chronically disorganized
* Managing finances poorly
* Losing their temper easily
* Overspending, smoking, video gaming, and other addictions
* Not being "present" in relationships
They learn that ADHD challenges have little to do with intelligence, caring, the lessons their parents tried to teach, or what they know to be right or wrong. It has more to do with
• having difficulty focusing one's attention right now,
• on the most critical task, speaker, or activity, and
• once focus has been achieved, maintaining it instead of yielding to distraction.
So, instead of calling it an attention-deficit disorder, we could call it an intention-inhibition disorder. That's because it's a condition in which the best intentions go awry.
Same Meeting Room, the Following Tuesday, 8 PM
Be careful talking about good intentions to newcomers at this week's gathering! It's the same room but a very different crowd.
The people gathered here tonight aren't adults with ADHD; they are their partners. And most have had it with good intentions.
Ironically, the two meetings that take place one week apart—one for adults with ADHD and the other for the partners of adults with ADHD— typically show little overlap. That is, one partner or the other in a couple is either "in denial" about ADHD or feels no need to learn about it.
Until recently, most did not know that adult ADHD exists, much less that it can affect their lives so profoundly. Or they've suspected ADHD for a long time, but they just can't get their partners to do anything about it.
When they finally hear other people voicing similar threads of befuddlement, the floodgates open. Let's listen in as the new folks introduce themselves:
• "Communication problems" plague Donna and her husband. "When we started dating, we had great conversations. Now I can't speak a word before he changes the subject or zones out. I hate the way this makes me feel, like I'm boring or not worth listening to. When I try breaking off the relationship, though, he becomes attentive again, only to backslide two weeks later. He finally told me last week that he has ADHD, but he insists it is an asset. I've read some Web sites that advise us spouses to be more understanding, but that's not helping."
• Surrounded by clutter, Lauren feels she's "catching" ADHD. "Our home is so crammed with my partner's crafts projects that I can hardly move or think! I've read about the association between ADHD and hoarding, and came to learn more."
• Brenda's fiancé is the love of her life, but his difficulties at work are driving them apart. "Paperwork takes him twice as long as it does his coworkers, who seem half as smart as him. He loses track of time, works until midnight, and then forgets to phone me. He was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid but says he outgrew it. I don't think so."
• Doreen's teen son says his Dad has ADHD, too. "Our son won't accept that he has ADHD, but he's failing in school. He also asks why he should take medication if Dad won't. My husband 'copes' with his own ADHD by drinking beer and riding herd on our son. Their constant fighting is driving me nuts."
• Frank can't compete with his wife's BlackBerry. "When she learned she might have ADHD, my wife researched it and hyperfocused on getting better organized. She claims her BlackBerry helps her focus on the job. Great, but where's the focus on me? If I take more than 30 seconds to say something, she eyes her 'CrackBerry' for the latest text message. We both work hard, but she never turns it off."
As these introductions continue, comments echo all around the room: "Your partner does that, too?" Some people laugh in amazed relief, but others fight back tears. Sure, they're grateful for the long-overdue validation, but reality can hit hard:
* "You mean our problems aren't all my fault—not me being rigid, anal, controlling, demanding, or 'no fun'?"
* "You mean our problems aren't all my partner's fault—not bad temper, selfishness, or apathy?"
* "You mean the invisible enemy we've been battling not only has a name, it has a solution?"
Most group members here tonight still love their partners. That's why they've come to this meeting.
The confusion crept up on them stealthily, they explain, and most of their partners' behavior grew sharply more problematic with time and new responsibilities.
It's not solely ADHD's symptoms that afflict relationships, though, and double the rate of divorce for adults with ADHD. It's the years of ignorance about the symptoms' existence—and misattributing them to lack of caring, selfishness, and immaturity.
Moreover, people who've grown up with undiagnosed ADHD often lug around a lifetime of poor coping strategies. And typically, the same is true for their loved ones. With both of you reacting blindly, your life together might feel like a wild ride indeed. Could ADHD be contributing to your relationship woes? It's worth your while to learn more. Especially in these tough economic time, we all need to maximize our ability to stay employed, hold onto money, and find pleasure in life with less stress.
Author Resource:-
This article by Adult ADHD expert Gina Pera is adapted from her bestselling book Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? –– an award-winning comprehensive guide to understanding Adult ADHD symptoms and its treatment strategies, especially as they affect relationships.
Visit Gina Pera's website for free book excerpts on how relationships can be affected by Adult ADHD , the Adult ADHD diagnosis is made, and the surprising link between ADHD and sex
Reproduction permitted only when all active hyperlinks are included. 2010 All rights reserved Gina Pera.
