Ways To Nurture Little Ones Expertly Following Divorce
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Submitted: 2010-06-03 08:41:26 | Word Count: 870
Guidelines For Talking To Children
It can be a difficult experience when you're telling your children about divorce. Many parents often avoid this topic because of their own fears and worries about losing control.
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When you are preparing to talk to your children about divorce, it can be helpful to have a few guidelines that you will want to think about. This includes knowing what kinds of things your children are likely to worry about, what kinds of things your children will need to hear, and what topics your children do not need to hear about.
Your children are probably concerned with the same types of things that you were concerned about as a child. These things may not seem important to you, but to a child they are important. Some of the things that children often worry about include:
-- when meals will be served.
-- pets.
-- where they will live.
-- summertime and holidays
-- friends.
-- activities they participate in.
When it comes to things your children do need to hear, it is important that they receive the same message from both parents. Sometimes, one parent is absent due to abuse or other reasons, and is therefore not available to talk with the children about the divorce.
It can be helpful for your children to hear certain messages repeatedly over time. These messages can be expressed to the children through both your words and your actions. Some of these messages might include things like: although the marriage has ended the family will continue; the child will continue to be loved and taken care of; the child is not responsible in any way for the divorce; strong feelings about the divorce are normal; and the parents are available to listen.
If one parent is absent, it is important to remember that children can cope with having at least one reliable and trustworthy parent. As a parent, you should focus on what you can change and not on what you can not change. You should also reassure your children that they did not cause the other parent to leave, and that it is not a reflection on the child.
Children should be kept from a direct involvement in any conflict between the parents. Some of the types of things that children should not hear include:
-- in-depth explanations about the parent’s emotional needs.
-- any information regarding infidelity between the parents.
-- specific details about the marital relationship.
-- intentional negative comments about the other parent.
As a parent, you should be careful when talking on the phone about sensitive matters. If your children are in the same room, they can be affected by hearing negative comments that you might make.
Talking To Younger Children
Talking to younger children about your divorce or separation can be a real challenge. There are a few specific things that you should keep in mind when you're talking to your younger children.
Obviously, you want to limit any explanations that you're making to just a few words or sentences. In other words, keep it simple. Undoubtedly, this can be hard to do when you're trying to answer questions about detailed and complicated issues. But it can help to think about what the children need to hear as opposed to what they do not need to hear. And then use that as your guide in forming your response. For example, you could say, “Mommy and Daddy have decided to have two different homes for the family. Mommy will live here, and Daddy will live in the other home. You get to spend time in both places.”
It is important to try to answer questions that your children have about the divorce anytime they are asking about it. Your children will usually let you know when they want to find out more about a grown-up issue or situation. Sometimes, if you're instructing them or setting limits, young children don't require a detailed explanation about every single thing. For example, you might be asked, “Why are there going to be two different homes?” You can say something like, “Sometimes Mommies and Daddies lives better in different houses.”
Children often learn best through demonstrations, and so you can bring your explanations to life by actually showing the child what you mean. Or, you can use something that makes it easier for your child to actually see what it is you're talking about. For example, if you explain to your child that there will be two different homes, it can be helpful to actually take him or her and show the new homes where your child will be sleeping, playing, eating, and so on.
Finally, it is important to be honest with your children and to acknowledge your own emotions about the situation. Even so, you should attempt to stay focused on your child and his or her questions and concerns. Young children can be very sensitive to their parent’s moved swings, and when a parent is upset it can sometimes put the child in an unfortunate role of being a caregiver. The main point here is that you should recognize your feelings, but not be a burden to your child with a need to be comforted. For example, you could say that you feel sad that the family doesn't all live in the same house anymore, and sometimes it makes you cry. But emphasize that your child will still be able to have a lot of fun times with both parents, and that you love your child very much.
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